The Subtle Aggression of Self-improvement
Mindfulness Talk:
There is such beautiful relationship advice out there for helping us love someone. Here are a few, but I’m sure your grandparents probably passed on a few more!
Respect who they are. Respect is essential (even above other important things).
Admit, talk and reveal. Even the embarrassing and insecure icky stuff.
Get good at forgiveness.
Get comfortable with riding the waves. Life, romance, parenting… will never live up to expectations.
What if we anchored our self-improvement goals in this very same advice? What if we vowed that every single personal goal must first pass the “love test”? What would this look like?
Respect who you really are. Is this goal consistent with who you are and what you value? There are hundreds of worthy values out there. Just take a look at any personal values inventory and you will see lists and lists of them. But we each have only a handful of values that are at the core of who we are. This is what makes us unique! These values are what we are willing to spend our limited time and money on. So what are the handful of things that you value, and is this goal consistent with them?
Admit the embarrassing and insecure icky stuff. Is this goal trying to cover up something that you don’t want to admit about yourself? We each have stuff about ourselves that we find embarrassing. But if this particular thing isn’t self-harming or harming someone else then, well, maybe it’s time to just admit this is part of who you are and fly your freak flag. You are uniquely you, warts and all, and no new self-improvement goal can (or should) burn that out of you.
Get good at forgiving yourself. Is this goal really a goal, or are you trying to redeem yourself? Think long and hard about this one. This goal will not make you more worthy. You are already worthy because you are a child of the universal watcher. You are seen, and not through the eyes of someone catching all the bad stuff. You are seen with love and forgiveness. You are seen like a parent with shaking of head (trying to be stern) and rolling of eyes (trying not to laugh) and understanding smile. You are already forgiven.
Get comfortable with riding life’s waves. Is this goal helping you to meld life into something that is better and more presentable? Life isn’t about melting off the bad bits as if they didn’t exist. Real life is bumpy and blobby with sharp jots and pits. If this goal will help you ride the up and down waves of life and accept the bumps, then great. But if you are trying to make your life “better”, then drop it. Your life is like everyone else’s life: imperfectly perfect.
Mindfulness teacher Bob Sharpies speaks of the subtle aggression of self-improvement. How eloquent and mind-blowingly true! So before we pull up those boot straps, let’s make sure our new goal passes the loving-relationship test. Let’s make it an act of love.
Until next time,
Laura
Meditation:
Finding Present Meditation: Find a heart or make a heart with your hands. Look at the heart and breathe. Send your breath into the heart, through the heart. Feel the love and breathe.
Continue with this meditation, or begin the mindfulness meditation.
Mindfulness Meditation: Imagine a warmth in your chest, around your heart. Imagine the warm feeling as a playful pink. As you concentrate on the playful pink warmth, a person or a moment might enter your thoughts. Smile as you notice this person or this moment. Smile and notice it as long as you wish, and when you are done let it mist away.
Now imagine the warm feeling as a deeper, quieter red. As you concentrate on the warmth of this deeper love, a person or a moment might enter your thoughts. Breathe deeply as you notice this person or this moment. Breathe deeply and notice it as long as you wish, and when you are done let it mist away.
Now imagine the warm feeling as a nurturing and healing green. As you concentrate on the nurturing, healing warmth, a person or a moment might enter your thoughts. Be thankful as you notice this person or this moment. Be thankful and notice it as long as you wish, and when you are done let it mist away.
Go back to imagining the pink, but this time acknowledge your own playfulness. Smile for yourself. Breathe and enjoy this feeling.
Now go back to imagining the red, but this time acknowledge your own beautiful depth. Breathe deeply for yourself. Enjoy this feeling.
Go back to imagining the green, but this time acknowledge your own nurturing spirit. Be thankful for yourself. Breathe and be enjoy this thankful feeling. Stay with this self-loving feeling as long as you wish.
Closing Routine: When you are ready, rub your fingers and take three cleansing breaths. Or find a closing routine that works for you.
Want more? Resolution vs. Intention — Yoga Trail Talks
